Archive for April, 2007

Its Like This…

Sunday, April 29th, 2007

…I’ve never been more happy! It’s like everything that has ever happened to me makes perfect sense in the context of it getting me here. It’s like I never was anywhere else. It’s like all the people I’ve ever known were telling me about this place at those moments I wasn’t listening to them all that closely. It’s like this might be just who I’d like to be for quite some time.

If this were a book, there would be about a dozen or so chapters so far; some left quite unfinished, some more haunting than the others. The story arc would be full of set backs, unexpected plot twists and one hugely unexpected, inexplicable and warm and welcome turn. Our hero; would have been assumed dead or worse by this time by now.

It’s like this, you only thought you knew me. You were more than half right, but I had you fooled for the most part. It’s like this, I am a fool, but not a total fool. It’s like, I’ve been saving all my pennies and the circus, and all it’s monkey acts have finally arrived in town. It’s like you’ve been telling me, it’s like this; you’re gonna really really like this. It’s like I’ve finally figured most of it out.

Context:

I’m here because… (Wednesday, May 25th, 2005)
Why do I Love YOU… (Monday, April 25th, 2005)

Back on the Couch

Friday, April 27th, 2007

After a couple of weeks/months; after solving so many problems on my own… after almost believing I could actually take care of myself; I’m back on the couch. The TV is on; Goran has already solved the crime before the titles roll… Things have been quite clear since the beginning of January, it’s easier getting up and doing things when you know exactly what it is you can and cannot do.

Back on the couch, learning about all the mistakes that were made and the compound interest due. I will NOT lay any blame; I’ll treat every discovery as a possibility, rather than a certainty. I’m of the belief that no one has the slightest clue of what they’re doing when it comes to this stuff.

I mean, really; paying someone to help me help myself. A concept which up until recently was not only foreign but contemptible. What a farce; what a scam; what false hope thinking that someone – else – could actually crawl inside your head and pull out the rusty bits and pieces of the machinery that make you tickity tock. Of course there’s also that conceit that no other mortal could ever handle the complexity of MY machinery… Like my gears are any different than anyone elses.

Back on the couch; in pursuit of the simple life. There has to be an uncomplicated way to proceed through the rest of all this. Fuck that self actualization and awareness crap… I’m really just looking to polish up the click-ticker; get the gears humming for the final 1/3rd of this trip… The last few circles around the big burning ball seem guaranteed to be…

Rambling On and On Over Battle of the Buldge… Again…

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

…an occasional post in a series of pointless babble on things I find myself no longer caring all that much about...

I’ve come to classify my entire family as out-a-sync’ers. My grandfather was too young for WWI; to old for WWII. My father to young for WWII and Korea; and to old and not in the right place and time for Vietnam. Me, well, I was way too young for the sixties youth movement; I was born on what they say was the absolute last year of the baby-boom. I did catch a bit of punk and by the time one of my piers got around to labeling my generation with the letter X; that designation was swiftly co-opted by the kids ten years younger than me.

So, I sit here, being accused of being a boomer; AND if I scramble and try to squirm my way out of that confinement, I then have to establish where I was; AND fake just how saddened I was by untimely death of Kurt “fuckin’-junkie” Co”brain”dead. Once you deny that Ka-urt was the “BOB DYLAN” of our generation, well the drum-circle party invites tend to just dry right up.

I stopped crying about this years ago. I’ve honestly become quite content to have never been part of a demographic group that had any impact what-so-ever on anything at all. Oh, we probably buoyed the viewership numbers for the last episode of M*A*S*H; and we may have helped Eddie Vedor’s career a tad that week when we showed a slight bit of interest in the music coming out what would later be known to be the death throws of the Musical Industrial Complex. – I gave up on rock and roll that day in 1984 when my angst ridden heroes jumped on to the simulcast stage started telling me I should give a hoot about… [list ANY cause here].

Since there never was any white riot; and the guns of brixton never did go off… and since I realized that I didn’t really enjoy pumping my fists in the air while ‘my’ bands started to perform what were basically advertising jingles for Che inspired, Yale educated leftist spoon fed Central American America hating hippy-communistas… I turned to dance music [after a brief and oh-so-locally trendy spin through the Nashville back-catalog of heroin soaked country stars of the 40's and 50's]… I also concluded that business, NOT art was a far more creative pursuit; a far more engaging performance piece than fiddling away while the ice melted off ones skate blades.

I gave up on all this long ago, so why should I care which kid from the “Vietnam Generation” sits twiddling his or her thumbs in the ‘big chair’ at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Why should I care what flavor of draft dodger defines policy for the next 20 years or so… Why should I believe them now when they tell me the world is heating up; when they once thought that lighting up and smokin’ a dube was the answer to all societies problems. Why should I trust them after they spent years and years bouncing from one “concern” to the next, all the while, changing their morality each time a whim took hold of them; then simply re-wrote their own handbooks to rationalize each decision to ensure no personal blame for their own failures, failures that could not be assigned to themselves personally. Why should I care about these people who use therapy as a shield and define non-commitment as personal growth.

Now, let me stop calling that kettle black and admit that I too can change my tune at the flick of a touch-wheel; AND am more than likely to have multiple opinions on any one topic at any given time. I do however try to let this be known; AND although I have absolutely pathetic skills when it comes to expression, I try and leave some scraps of thoughts between the lines to indicate that although I may appear to be foaming at the mouth; I am open to another way of looking at each one of these little things we are supposed to be so worked up over at various scheduled intervals along each years calender of concern… I predict an unusually warm Spring, Summer and Fall…

…and, another ramble comes to a close. If you feel you have wasted your time; then my objective has been met. Stay tuned for more cohesive diatribes on more unique and compact topics. Even though I don’t care too much about much of anything these days, it doesn’t mean I’m going to keep quiet about it…

On Knowing… Part II

Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

OK, I guess maybe it is good to know! – I mark a few moments that really really changed my life. Capsizing the Arrow with my dad when I was 10; Riding the greyhound to Toronto after leaving home; meeting Kevin, meeting Michele, leaving Michele… Loosing my business. That garlic bread moment that brought me home… Meeting Roberta… ! The blue rope… !

Seeing this picture!

This whole thing has been quite real; this picture just made it more so – hyper real. There is a REAL little human in there!

Ya, ya, I know… WAY too many exclamation points! But, honestly my heart has been racing for a solid 24 hours plus. I have a million things to think about, and I seem to be thinking about them all simultaneously.

So tonight… a long walk and some deep breaths.

Soon, Part III, which, until everything changed again will include all that which I thought at one now distant point in my life would have been in Part II.

Welcome Back to MY World

Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

Spring-has-sproooiiig-ed! – AND – once again, we find ourselves in that, these days, all too short comfort zone when “a cool morning” means a fresh breeze, sitting outside with the morning coffee in t-shirt and shorts; and generally really freakin’ enjoying the start of the day. No more having to face the bone chillin’ drizzle while I guzzle coffee and draw those last few puffs before heading up to the studio…

This morning also marked the arrival of “those other people”; the ones I haven’t seen for months [feels like 18 months this year]. Those folks who give you that look of indignation as they walk by me on their way to get their morning fix of mocca-java-supreme-double-double-hoo-ha; The ones who formed the constituency to kick me out of doors, first from the restaurants, then from the coffee shops then from the bars in the first place.

NO, this is NOT yet another diatribe on indoor smoking bans; After years and years and years now, I’ve come full circle. I actually enjoy being forced out of doors. It’s a bit grim some winter days, but really, I have found our winters aren’t really that tough. I’ve come to appreciate those moments either alone in my own thoughts after escaping from dull drunken conversations; or moments with other smokers. There’s a whole world of compatriot “suckers-in-arms” going on out here folks… This is OUR world; and we’ve made the best of it.

No, this is definitely not another tired diatribe; you’ve won, you own the inside. Me, I drink less, and spend less of my drinking money at the bars [sorry, Mike, Ralph and Helen, I hope your non-smoking customers are topping up those college-funds...]. Like my non-smoking friends, I suffer less from ‘itchy-eye’; and my cloths ALSO wreak, OK, just a little less than they did in the days of “the fog”.

Yes, you won; AND this is me thanking you. Thanking you for saving me from myself. Thanking you for introducing me to my “out door” friends; thanking you for the few extra dollars I now have to spend on better ingredients for the dinners I now cook for my smoking dinner guest as we share our cheaper drinks in the pleasant surrounding of my own kitchen table…

Its a beautiful morning this morning. Us smokers have made it through, eh, a not-so-tough winter; but an excruciatingly long period of April-drizzle. I’d like to say hello and offer a warm welcome back to our non-smoking friends as they come outside… AND no, I will not apologize for the occasional errant puff that lands in your face, as try as I might, I do not control the direction of the breezes… AND, I will NOT tolerate, NOR will I even acknowledge one single glare of yours. YOU asked for it, you got it… I’m outside, just as you had wished for for decades.

Welcome back outdoors! Welcome to my world!

HEY, THROW that damned water bottle in the trash! – I wouldn’t have tossed and stomped a butt out on YOUR living room floor!… …EVER!

In the End, They’ll Probably Never Blow Away Our Right to Choose

Monday, April 23rd, 2007

I’ve been biting my tongue for almost/over a week now; AND I’m glad I did. I mean who needs another ranting opinion about lone-mad-gunmen and the current balance of supreme court justices. As it turns out; a week later; this great nation remains functionally balanced on the head of the pin between ones right to own a device to slaughter ones classmates and the right to kill your baby.

Maybe the press is tired; or I’ve become inured… I read far less shrill and cry last week than I would normally expected from the NRA and the NCW on last weeks headline-chapter events in this great nations biggest personal tiffs. Maybe my lack of cable shields me from the dogma and pony show that results after another crazed gunman kills a crowd; and supremes foist a pull-back on our most recent cherished rights.

Over the years, I’ve grown to, if not like, kind of appreciate this detant; the righty-rights [of which I am not], get their toys that have an enormous impact on life over death; and the lefty-lefts [of which I am definitely not] get the personal right to choose death over life. In other words everyone gets to choose; except of course those at the wrong end of the muzzle, or scalpel.

I wish there were NO crazed gunmen as much as I wish that people would put a little more thought behind copulation! I wish all guns would just go away; and that women wouldn’t make mistakes; I certainly wish that men would STOP forcing themselves upon women! Although many of my wishes have come true; I’m long over thinking that wishing will make it so.

So I’ll be sitting here on the head of this ol’ pin… wishing, wishing mostly for less mistakes.

Retail

Monday, April 23rd, 2007

It really is quite simple; I get up in the morning and head to the shop. I unlock the doors and grab my broom; sweep off the front steps and ensure that my entrance is inviting. I look at the display in the window, and wish I had a little more time to make it as lovely as I would like. On and off, customers come in, ask some questions and study the merchandise. I try to provide as best information as is possible; both technical and, well information that will make them feel comfortable with their purchase.

From time to time, an old customer will drop by with more questions; I answer these and if they are related to how their unit is operating; I make sure, if a fix is needed, one is offered. I try to measure my customers satisfaction; AND try to get them to give me anecdotes of their happiness with the product; I like to put their happy pictures with my product on my wall.

Oh, I do do the required marketing, and attend functions in support of my shop. I network and let people know where I am; even run advertising in periodicals I believe my customers read; AND I make sure that people who review products such as mine, publish proper comparisons.

I sweep the digital dust off my doorstep, keep my store neat and tidy and simple. I put my product front and center; make sure my store is easy to find and give the customers who find their way… every last single reason they need to buy my product.

On Knowing… Part I

Friday, April 13th, 2007

I think I’m starting to realize why I was hesitant to find out the sex of this child… Prior to this knowledge I could run very generic scenarios of fatherhood through my head. A baby is born; night after night of happy sleeplessness; hugs and giggles, spittle and poopie diapers… Mountains of poopie diapers. Smelly stinky piles and piles of damp; did I say stinky; diapers!

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d run the scenarios straight on past babyhood, on into and through early childhood, into teenagerhood and onto the point where this new human would happily support Roberta and I through our old age-agedhood; although the person in these thoughts was quite real, he/she was still… the baby we were having…

Now, we’re having a son.

Good, God, Gracious… AND Holy-Cow; I’ve got four and a half months to figure out how I’m going to be a good father; not just to our ‘child’; but, my good-ness, to our son! My son! My DAD’s grandSON! Generation after generation of sons… Holy jumpins’ we are raising a MAN!

OK, pause for a second, deep breath; agreed and no overlooking the plain and obvious fact that Roberta has an enormous role to play in all this. There’s not a single doubt in my mind over this woman’s ability to be a mother! Considering what she’s done over the last two years by way of improving my own manliness; I can only expect, that our boy will get the benefit of having a super-mother… arrrgh; you see how crazy it is knowing?

I don’t doubt for a moment that I’m not going through everything that every man has ever gone through when faced with the prospects of raising a son… There’s a huge whole part of me that’s sayin’ “whew; I just dodged the bullet on all the, raising a daughter stuff, [for now]“… But, that’s all melting away… In this particular moment, having a daughter; and thinking about Roberta’s role in raising our son is fading for the moment… because, I know… I know we’re having a boy; AND more and more I’m reacquainting myself with this acute understanding of a very specific role I’ll be playing while raising this son to be, a man.

I have spent the last few weeks, reliving every last detail of every moment I spent with my dad…

I have spent hour after hour reviewing my own… manliness…

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not dreading this; on the contrary its the MOST exciting time in my life… But; I know… I know it’s tough to be a man; and I know, albeit second hand, its tough to be a dad… AND, then, that holy-crap moment hits again, and I know… I don’t know anything at all!

[I can't even begin to tell you how much FUN this is!]

Coming Soon: On Knowing… Part II, a completely detailed review of every last single moment I spent with my dad…

The Big Chocolate Naked Jesus and a Little Girl’s Hooty-P’tooty

Thursday, April 12th, 2007

Oh, how I have come to loath the terms “Art” and “Institution” appearing anywhere within five words of each other in a sentence…

It would seem that one of our major “Art Institutions” has been “quietly” displaying a series of photographs that includes images of well, you know… little boys and little girls. I can only assume their justification; ‘these are photographs by renowned artist, being displayed within the context of an Art Gallery’… and so on.

If, as a ‘community’ we can almost completely collectively agree on one basic edict: “Let there be NO child pornography”; why shouldn’t we apply this across ALL ‘venues’? – Why should the elitists in the Institutional Art world be judged differently or held to a different standard with respect to this primary desire of the, ‘community’? There’s no slippery slope here; its actually quite a simple line… OK, even if the line where somewhat blurry, simple solution; in the case of ‘is it child porn or not child porn’; we’ll just agree to err on the side of caution…

Meanwhile; the fact that the Big Chocolate Naked Jesus continues to be homeless baffles me!

Rebuilding Projects – I Will Make Time for This

Wednesday, April 11th, 2007

It looks as though I have settled on a tool to post these rambling from this dithering do… DO NOT ask me what happened to all the missing months; do not pry into moments I have no intention of ever bringing up again…

I am neither acknowledging, or denying the activities of these time; safe to say, a lot happened… None the least of which; WE’RE having a baby!

So, as I pick this up again, for, I don’t know the 7th or 8th time… I’ve decided it to be just a spew again. No grand aims… No plans, no projects; just daily rambles on a variety of topics.

If there is any theme, or voice; perhaps it will be written as an ongoing letter to my son… Let’s just see what happens.

Because; as always; Who the hell knows what happens NEXT!