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I will go home tonight and attempt to do some final packing. There’s a tinge of saddness around all this, I will reserve any further comment until Wednesday.

It’s 2005… whatever that means.

Actually most of you don’t know my absolute disdain for organized therapy. My utter distrust of the whole therapeutic industry, from psychologists through therapist, psychiatrist and most certainly onward to these frikin self help group therapy sessions. The thought of handing my problems off to someone else, let alone someone I don’t know makes my skin crawl and my brain hurt. For those of you who know me, I think your head just nodded.

It’s with that, that I trudged off to my second AA session last Tuesday. Yes, I might agree that the initial session was helpful, helpful in so much as it got a lot of folks off my back, helpful in so much as it gave me a slight sense of atonement for the absolutely ridiculous behavior of the night before and a few nights before that. Perhaps it was my way of saying sorry, truly “I am sorry” in some concrete fashion.

Ya, ya… I’ll continue to NOT drink, and ya ya, I’ll continue to go to these meetings, if only to help my friends over this hump in understanding that I do not take my own bad behavior lightly. I may have an obsessive disorder around booze, I definitely have an addictive personality, overshadowing these is my absolute NEED to be liked. [A few more heads nod perhaps].

Acting badly, albeit a recent, somewhat frightening trend in my behavior, being a bad drunk, recently has scared the livin bejeesus out of me. It’s been the topic of conversation with myself frequently, especially over the last six or seven months… If I have come to any conclusion, it’s Gord, you’re forty, firstly it’s going to hurt regardless, secondly, if you’re hurting already, WELL, it might not be pretty. Of course my taking the express service to Drunkton via the Jack Danials express service bus definitely has played into, and wreaked havoc on my gentle beer drinking soul…

At this last meeting, I saw nothing but a bunch of whiners, not able to face, manage or solve their own problems [sorry guys at the West End Church, that was kind of harsh]. I saw, what my mind has always told me, a big ol’ bunch of weak people. I admit, I am never always right, and most everything I think has an element wrongness to it. I will continue to attend these meetings on your behalf, I will continue to attend to make you feel comfortable, I will continue to attend because I need to feed my primary obsession.

For those of you who see this as a great big rationalization in the process of unfolding in to one big freakin’ binge. Take note, I have promised myself [that would be me], that I would not drink, and not drink for a considerable period of time. I may not drink again. At the very least, I will not drink until such time as my emotional state surrounding the current issue is resolved. As I understand this, this will be quite some time.

The beauty is, is that most of my good friends have shown nothing but support. I have rid them of the need to give me that mental patient sympathy that many people feel the need to give when a pal checks into his own private Idaho. Since adding the meetings to my life, I have drank with pals, enjoyed there company as they swaggered into that beloved place. I have sat alone in my church on my pew, watching the game and talking with the stranger next to me. I have looked my pastor in the eye and said with nary a hint of regret, “can you get me some soda and lime”… These last few days have not been without some pressured moments, but you know what my friends…

Note to myself… So I had a wonderful epiphany today. I’ve been stressing over what to do with this big ol’ apartment that I’m living in. I have been thinking, dump it, as it is a little on the expensive side, AND who wants to live in the midst of all those memories, vibes etc… The heck with that! It’s a great place I’m staying.As for the memories, I have friends who can do some things, ritualistic type things that can apparantly rid a place of bad vibes, so we’ll give that a try [I'll start with burning some white sage, then move on to the heavy hitters if need be].

The epiphony was that I was sitting on a potential perfect apartment. Once rid of all do-dads, knick knack and bric-a-brac, the place is potentially a “zen palace”. I finally had a clear recollection of my Pre-X existance back in Toronto. I had a nice one bedroom, with a huge living room. The living room contained three desks strung together to make a great large workspace, I had a chair, a computer and a TV.

My kitchen had cooking utensils and enough dinner ware and flatware to accommodate myself and one dinner guest.

The bedroom had a TV and a bed…

I will virtually return to this space as of the end of January.

Once the X has moved her stuff out, or as much of it as she can [she can keep stuff at my place as long it is stored in uniform storage bins]. I will return to my once clean, once uncluttered life. Items I will have will be as follows, and that is all [not including consumables like soap and milk]

-15 pair of underwear
-15 pair of socks
-2 pair of sneakers
-2 pair of dress shoes
-6 pair of every day pants
-4 pair of dress pants
-24 T-shirts
-6 dress shirts
-3 suits
-2 winter coats
-1 pair of gloves
-1 touque
-1 pair of glasses
-10 pieces, miscellaneous cloth items, mostly women’s wear for those crazy nights
-2 forks
-2 knives
-2 plates
-2 bowls
-2 coffee cups
-4 multi purpose glasses
-2 large spoons
-2 small spoons
-1 kitchen table
-2 kitchen chairs
-1 large pot
-1 small pot
-1 small fry pan
-1 large fry pan
-1 pasta strainer
-12 piece set of disposable storage containers
-1 kitchen knife set
-5 pieces of miscellaneous cooking utensil
-1 cork screw
-3 towels
-1 toothbrush
-1 water pic
-4 sheets
-3 duevys
-4 pillows
-4 pillow cases
-1 single futon
-1 double futon
-2 plastic chest of drawers
-20 hangers
-1 alarm clock
-1 amplifier
-2 simple desks
-1 rolling desk drawer
-1 office chair
-4 folding chairs
-1 TV
-1 rolling TV stand
-1 computer
-3 pens
-1 pair of scissors
-1 roll of tape
-string…

and a box of bandages

Please, if you see anything glaringly missing from this list please notify me. I actually plan to try to live with less.

Ultimate comfort, with absolutely no stuff.

Looking forward to your next visit, oh, and I am not as anal as this post makes me out to be…

Well, I am sitting here quite exhausted. It has indeed been an Epic Christmas. Epic walks, epic talks with myself, a good bunch of days indeed. Just so I remember all this myself, I’ll jot it down. Enjoy if you like, or skip over it all, hey, you probably had a great Christmas yourself. At least you better have.

So it begins… Segment ONE

It started off as I hoped it would. I was in a great mood… sang little Christmas songs to my slumbering roomies as I left for the day. Wandered down to Williamsburg to catch the L train. On days when I don’t have to really work, but go in anyhow, I like to go a different way. Anyhow, took the L to Union Square, it was getting a bit cold so I armed myself with a new hat from a table vendor on 5th.

Got to work, answered a few calls, then went out looking for good deeds to do the next day… Actually, I had done a major good deed the night before involving silk long johns, way too much rain and an old Black gentleman who actually said ” who dat” when I rang his doorbell on some god forsaken lonley street in Bed-Stuy, but I digress.

Actually, I had two plans for the day Friday, one to find a good deed to do for Christmas, the other to buy Jen an iPod. Two simple missions that I hoped would fill the gap between say 1:00pm and the time I was to get to St. Thomas’ for Mass.

So it began… I’ll finish this up later, or tomorrow… I’m feeling woozy after a full day of driving the city with my pal Veronica.

Stay tuned…

Merry Christmas to all my sort of, once were or still are Christian friends. F off and die to all my Jewish pals… OK, to all my Jewish pals, enjoy the day, remember it’s because of Jesus that you get all these extra days off on top of Yom Kipper, Pass Over, and well all those other freaky wierd New York Holidays!

Honestly, I love all of you…

I’m looking forward to my Christmas adventure starting today… First off, I’m going to wade into the Christmas Shopping Whirlpool, and NOT shop! Then I’m gonna go down and get a table for one at the Silver Swan. They’re cookin’ a Goose, and I’m going to eat it! After that, I’m going to walk up to that spookie Anglican Church on Fifth Ave. and see if I can’t crash Midnight Mass [I am after all a born Anglican you yankee bastards]. My plan is to walk over the 59th Street Bridge after that. I have a personal bond with that Bridge.

Then, it’s off to sleep, and see if Ol’ Saint Nick has anything left in his bag for broken down old drunken fools… probably not.

Tomorrow, I’m still trying to find a place to volunteer, on my walks today, I’ll pull into some churches, see if they can point me in some direction. Couple of monastic societies right here around the office. That may be my best bet at this point. If I can’t get a good samaritin’ gig, oh I’ll probably do a bridge walk and hand out cigarettes to homeless people.

Anyhow… the adventure in the City has already begun.

I hope that your Christmas is off to a good start! And that under all that wrapping paper is the day that you were hoping to have. Yes, I am ambivelent about this holiday, but c’mon underneath all this growling is the little kid whose eyes burst open at 6:00am, ran down to the tree that the folks MUST HAVE ADDED EXTRA LIGHTS TO IN THE NIGHT… waited impatiently for dad to make his coffee then tore into the piles of gifts [sock and underwear mostly]

The kid who got the table hockey game he wanted, the hotwheel power set he wanted, the GI Joe Gemini Space capsule he wanted… OK, one year my Mom STUPIDY got me a Maple Leafs Sweater instead of a Habs sweater… But every year, like in the Christmas Story, I was the little nerdy kid, whose folks always got me that one great gift I wanted…

How can I not deep down, like Christmas.

This year… I’ll get what I want as well… I want very little. OK, yes, you all know I’m a sappy bastard. All I want is for alll you folks to have as good a time as I’m going to have. AND, I’m already having a good time, so CATCH UP foo…

Love, Great Big Hugs, and Great big Kisses!

So, as I continue to babble into empty space here, actually this has been quite beneficial personally, hence my continuous babble. Got that meeting under my belt, proved to myself, that although difficult, I can still socialize in the places I like dearly to socialize [OK, I tested the waters...], Actually the test went very well. A good confidence builder on two fronts; the first being, I am not barred from the bar due to some weak kneed panty assed in ability to control myself; and secondly as I reminded myself that my friendship pool runs wide and deep… Thanks Doc!

A good First Merry Christmas experience, indeed.

It’s good being forty-plus, unless of course you are measuring your waist size. I mean, you’ve got rid of all that teen aged angst [usually by the time you're 30], your emotions although perhaps wild at times are never foreign, nor ever any real big shocking surprise [yes my little ones, I have blown apart before, and no I have no felonious records, and YES I have stitched these blown pieces back together again... more than once]…

I’d say that the best thing about being forty is you have for the most part figured yourself out. You’ve either ditched harmful family members or have made peace with them all, me, I’m lucky among that ranks of my family sit more than a few of my truly best friends… Your forties also leaves you in the midst of a very deep, very wide and very diverse friendship pool.

Friends to me are nary micro inches from family. Friends do come and go, and yes friends do not have that obligated commitment that family does, but perhaps maybe that’s what makes them almost more the special. Imagine choosing to put up with someone as vile as Uncle Eliach… Anyhow, I am rambling. Over the past few weeks, some older friends, friends who have become a bit distant have re-entered my life. Some more casual friends have become closer, and obviously, relations with yet other friends have become somewhat strained. I guess I’m heading to this…

The best people in the world are the people you meet. My swirling pool of pals have given me almost everything I have, at the least they’ve given me the things I cherish, happiness, hope, strength, sense of belonging and being needed… I really do love you guys, honestly, I really do.

Golden Rings… Golden Brown White Castle Chicken rings… Now let’s go eat some F’n partridge and beat on some faggy Lords.

Merry Christmas ya Freakin’ Bone Heads

An oldie but a goodie… well, OK, a good and stinky oldie:

Q: What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A: A drunk doesn’t have to go to all those stupid meetings.

I have given so many apologies over the last few days, they are starting to ring hollow. I am hoping to avoid contact with friends as much as possible this weekend. I know this will be difficult especially with respect to those friends who live with me. Go out and enjoy your holiday. I am going out to enjoy mine.

With a bit of soda and lime thank you very much.

See you all in 2005!

And back out the other side we come. Yesterday was frightfully awful. Hey, before I begin, let me just say to my pals thanks for the encouraging words, thanks for the concern AND please accept my apology if you did happened to see me on Wednesday or Friday nights.

So, back out the other side. I’ve always liked the number 9. At this point I am no longer angry and am looking forward to the week ahead. Lots of work to do to keep my mind off things. No plans, i.e. no Christmas Parties, or friendly get together that might end in debauchery… AND it’s a short week.

The X has told me that she will be out with friends Friday and Saturday, so I get to spend Christmas completely alone. Trust me I am looking forward to this. I think I might go get myself a German meal on Friday night, then maybe, just maybe try to get to Church on Saturday morning [imagine that]. I will definitely be indulging in very long solitary wander on Saturday. Weather.com tells me it’ll be above freezing, if that’s the case, NYC beware… I might make it to more places than Santa Clause did the night before.

So, yes, I am looking forward to Christmas… A Christmas with absolutely NO obligations what so ever. Just the way I like it.

Hey, maybe I’ll find God

So let me start this somewhat abbreviated post with a classic joke… [abbreviated as I dare not say things I shall regret later]

Anyhow, the joke…

Two guys are chatting in the office [OK, around the F'n water cooler if that makes you F'n happy]…

1st Guy: So, I made a freakin’ dandy Freudian slip last weekend.

2nd Guy: Freudian slip, what the hell is that

1st Guy: Huh, what kinda dumbass are you, you know, Freudian slip, what, OK, I was in line to get tickets for the train when I notice that the girl at the counter had the biggest set of knockers I’ve ever seen… I mean, I couldn’t take my eyes off them

2nd Guy: And, what’s this got to do with Freudian Slips

1st Guy: Shut up, I’ll tell you… So anyway when I get to the counter, I could barely take my eyes of these melons. I eventually looked her straight in the eyes and instead of saying, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I blurt out “I’d like two Pickets to Titsburgh”… talk about…

2nd Guy: What?! That’s what you call a Freudian Slip, shit man I had one of those just this morning.

1st Guy: Oh ya, do tell

2nd Guy: Well, I was sitting with my wife at the breakfast table this morning. What I meant to ask her was, dear, can you pass the sugar. What I actually said was, “Bitch, you ruined my life.”

[rim shot... enjoy the veal]

Yes, here comes the anger bitches. Seething uncontrollable anger. Good thing everyone I know and care about either does not live here, or is out of town for the weekend [or staying at their sisters place]. Good thing the X is taking what used to be OUR car and is taking off to her parents in Shelter Island. Would love to be the fly on those walls later tonight. Would love to learn just how bad a person I have become…

I’m not going to growl over that just now… nope, I’m going to growl over something far more important. Just how fucking mad I am at myself. Specifically, just how mad I am at New York Gord. I tell you, I’m seriously thinking about calling up Art School Gord and Toronto Gord, having them come down and beat the piss out of New York Gord. I mean, how have I let New York Gord become such a F’n fool. Drunken fool, OK, but FUCK YOU bitches, Drunken Fool Gord used to be an OK guy. OK, before he let himself become a F’n pussy whipped panty waste.

Before he some how started to recede into some weird fucking comfort and allowed himself to see a series of interesting adventures/experiences pass as a life. Before he subrogated himself to someone for the sheer convenience of more easily allowing him a presence in this foreign country. Before he convinced himself that he wanted to continue the futile pantomime that has now, quite thankfully closed to really bad fucking reviews.

So, where does this anger lead… Hey, bitches if you’re listening, I’ve been here and done all this before. Honestly, in a way this seems like a pale repeat, it really is just a modern day Hollywood Knock off of a far better movie, classic movie that was originally released in the early 90’s… Kinda the Oceans Twelve version of the really serious crap that unfolded… well, anyhow, who the fuck cares…

Where does this anger lead… It leads right back to where I am now. As with everything else, I’ll get over this. Hopefully I’ll be a better drunk, and hopefully I will not piss off too many friends, and hopefully I won’t be completely alone. I really can’t wait until Toronto Gord and Art School Gord get down here to hang that beating on me. Hey, maybe they’ll beat the Greenpoint outta New York Gord, and New York Gord could move on to something completely new.

Who the FUCK Knows!

Now it’s off to Minetta’s in the Village for some good ol’ gangsta italiano. Hey, maybe I’ll get lucky, piss off a piasano and get a good ol’ pistol whippin’.

Peace and Love Bitches, Peace and Love